Jeg vil gerne samle så mange sportsvogns-vittigheder som muligt, så send gerne nye til mig. Se den nyeste nederst!
Den Ferrari der blev brugt i Malaysia i 1999 sæsonen - og antageligt var lidt for bred.
1 - Hold on tight
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a Ferrari F50. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world, and it costs around $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A Ferrari F50. They cost $500,000." "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to over 300 kilometers an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds, the speedometer reads 200 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, <whhhoooossshhh!> Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my F50?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. <whhhoooossshhh!> It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!
And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! And this time, it appears to be heading right for him!!
It plows into the back of his car! The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are both racked up. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!"
2 - Heaven is not perfect
It seems this fellow, let's call him Joe, died and went to heaven where everything was perfect...except there were no Ferraris. So Joe went to St. Peter and said 'hey, if heaven is perfect, then there should be Ferraris here, as they are the perfect car and they do have a soul' After much negotiation, St. Peter gave Joe a Ferrari on the condition that he could only sit in it...never drive it. Joe thought he would be satisfied.
Well, that worked for about 2 days. Then Joe went back to St. Peter and told him that sitting and not driving was worse than not having a Ferrari at all. So again, after much discussion, St. Peter let Joe drive the car but no faster that 20 kilometers per hour. So, Joe is driving around on the outskirts of heaven at 20 kph when an F50 went by at about 250 kph. Now, Joe was quite upset, so he went back to St. Peter again and said "How come that guy gets to drive his Ferrari so fast and I don't. I saw his license plate and it started with NA, so he must be from Naples and why does a Neopolitan get better treatment than me?"
St. Peter said "Don't get so upset about that F50. The NA is not Naples...it is Nazareth and the driver is the owner's son."
3 - Painting the Porch
Daryll had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhood up on the hill and look for odd jobs as a handyman.
Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Daryll, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great!" said Daryll.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" said the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Daryll asked.
"Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well he must, he was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 30 minutes later, Daryll knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," he told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Daryll replied, "I even had some paint left over, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Daryll.
"Oh, by the way," said Daryll, "that is not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"
4 - Highest wish
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came acrosn odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
5 - Ferrari in heaven
There were these 3 men - Dave, Jon, and Sam... They were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died... Now, they all stood there, at the gates of heaven.
An angel came up to them and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven...You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly..."
The angel looked at Dave and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man! You cheated on your wife 4 times!!! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up dodge..."
The angel next looked at Jon and said- "You, were not as evil....But you still cheated on your wife 2 times...For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon..."
The angel finally looked at our hero...Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari..."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sams' Ferrari...There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying...
"What's wrong, Sam" they asked.... "You got the Ferrari!!! You are set forever!!! Why so down??? "
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and said- "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board..."
6 - Nice going
- What is the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari?
- You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.!
7 - Heavenly Ferrari
The pope decides to buy a Ferrari to go for a drive. He invites two of his cardinals along and once on the "autostrada" he is quickly accelerates to 250 km/h and zig-zags in the traffic overtaking the slower traffic. He continues to accelerate when the first cardinal, white as a ghost from fright asks the pope to pull over and let him out.
The pope says to him "don't worry, Jesus is with us". The cardinal politely repeats his request to the pope. The pope slows down and lets him out. The second cardinal is about to step out of the car, when the pope gives him a mean look, and the 2nd cardinal decides to stay. The pope floors it and gets to 300 km/h in no time, zig zagging and passing all the traffic. The cardinal kindly asks the pope if he would let him out, to which the pope replies "don't worry, Jesus is with us". The cardinal suggests that if the pope doesn't want his new Ferrari smelling of caca, that he lets him out. Once again the car slows down to a stop and the cardinal gets out.
Accelerating at lightning speed the pope has the speedo at 350k, everything vibrating, cars being overtaken left, right and centre when the the pope feels a tap on the shoulder. "Who's that!?" asks the pope. "It's Jesus, let me out of the car!"
8 - Perfect
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car - a Ferrari - along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their Ferrari. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.
9 - Cheap
A man wanted to buy a new car so he bought a newspaper and looked in the classified section. He found an advertisement which said "New Ferrari for sale only $500!"
This is a very cheap price for a new Ferrari. He thought it may be a joke but he decided to investigate. He went to the house to see the car. A woman answered the door and she led him into the garage. There, in front of him was a new Ferrari."Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Yes you can," answered the lady. He got into the car and then drove it for 10 or 15 minutes. To his surprise he found that the car was perfect. When he returned to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this
great Ferrari for only $500?"
Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Ferrari and send me the money.' "
10 - What Your Car Says About You
Audi - I enjoy putting out engine fires
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch penis.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife
11 - Enzo Ferrari døde...
Gamle Ferrari er død og han står nu i porten til himmeriget og snakker med Gud.
Gud spørger: "Hvad har du så præsteret af fantastiske ting, som gør at du skal lukkes ind?"
Ferrari siger: "Jeg er Ferrari, og jeg har skabt den flotteste, smukkeste og bedste bil i verden!"
Gud svarer: "Okay-okay, med se på mig - jeg har skabt kvinden og du kun en bil."
"Det kan godt være...", mumler gamle Ferrari, "men hvis jeg havde været dig, havde jeg sgu godt nok ikke sat indsprøjtningen så tæt på udstødningen!"
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Sidst opdateret december 2001